Few days ago i went to c a doc tat da facial aunty said he can diagnose disease by seeing through eyes.before this she got show me a lot of ppl took tis method n most probably they can solve they cases n living happily.because of tis aunty oweys promote me long long time ago,so i mai go lo due to the fee is just rm20 mai b sohai awhile to make sure it is effient or just guessing.
for da 1st time i saw da doc,he is not so lengcai n i think my hubby is lengcai more thn him...hahaha...after taking pic for both of my eyes he evaluate wat means by those lines n the colors tell us wat.after c carefully,he told me tat both of my eyes having stresses lines...i dun have good sleep...my brain dun have enuf oxygen...my lymphatic system not so good...my liver not so healthy...but the most big problem is my stress n tension create out all tis "good stuff" to me....else,i'm a healthy girl...
due to my stress,da doc try to help me by using psychology method to find out da problems i'm facing n wat makes me think so much.i saw he use my birth date to calculate my characteristic n he said tat i'm a lady boy,which means i was born to be a girl but thn my attitude is most likely like a boy.tat's y i'm lacking in communication so do social life.tis make me keep on zipping my mouth whenever i have problem n keep it with me.he told me bout the relationship between my dad n me.my dad never ever touch me since i grew up like mummy do.he just care bout my attitude n behavior n the most important is my education.he is so strict until i'm so scared of him n till now i'm still trauma with it which effect my sleep. every time i sleep,i can hear my heart jumping so loud.in the period of 6 or 7 hours sleep time,my mindset keep on alerting me.i can recognize which one is his footstep n which one is mummy footsteps as if i'm having nap.
the doc asked me;well,for tis 22 years...do u know y u so working hard to get good results no matter in academic n performed well? i never thought of asking myself tis question n he had ask me the right question.but yet,my answer din satisfy him.he help me to answer the question...u work so hard just because to have good result to fulfill ur dad's expectation n in other hand to gain ur dad's love.when i heard his answer,my heart so hurt because it is so true.
i'm sorry,pls forgive me,thank you n i love u....this 4 simple words...i never say it to my dad...when i'm listening to the doc,my mind is imaging my daddy...how will he react when i say i'm sorry?how will he react if i say pls forgive me?how will he react if i say thank you?n even i love u?i really hope tat i can say tis 4 words in front of him because tis is wat i owe him.i do really wanna break the lock between me n daddy...i wanna be daddy's girl...i really wanna be....at last,i found my own dreams.....to be the daddy's girl...to have his love....to feel his touch....
i'm praying to the God,pls give me more strength to achieve my dream......pls....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships
It’s not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But it’s not impossible, either — it takes some work, of course, but it’s good work, work that’s a joy when everything comes together.
A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.
I’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.
1. You’re playing to win
One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. If you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long.
2. You don’t trust
There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.
3. You don’t talk
Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that’s the death of a relationship.
4. You don’t listen
Listening — really listening — is hard. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. If you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem.
5. You spend like a single person
This was a hard lesson for me to learn — until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.
This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.
6. You’re afraid of breaking up
Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. But often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner.
7. You’re dependent
There’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and I’m talking finances as well as emotional support, here — you’re in trouble. (Note: I’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what I’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.)
8. You expect happiness
A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. Being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.
9. You never fight
A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.
One reason couples don’t fight is that they fear conflict — which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That’s bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they’ve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They’ve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship’s development. While an argument isn’t pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had — and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can’t come back from.
10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard
There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having.
The outcome of both views is that you don’t work at your relationship. You don’t work because it’s supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don’t work because it’s supposed to be hard and it wouldn’t be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out — either because the problems you’re ignoring really don’t go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you’re cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that’s too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn’t seem to need any work isn’t any better.
Your choices
There isn’t any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn’t always mean you break up — many people aren’t that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they’re afraid they won’t find anything better, or worse, they’re afraid they deserve it. Don’t you be one of them — if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.
A lot of times, though, the work isn’t enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.
I’ve watched a lot of breakups (some of them my own). I’ve seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and I’ve tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things I’ve seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.
1. You’re playing to win
One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I don’t mean competition in the sense that you can’t stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that you’re tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partner’s head. If you feel that there are things you can’t tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, you’re in a competitive relationship — but not for long.
2. You don’t trust
There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he won’t cheat on you or otherwise hurt you — and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they won’t leave you or stop loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over — even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.
3. You don’t talk
Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they don’t want to hurt their partner, or because they’re trying to win. (See #1 above; example: “If you don’t know why I’m mad, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”) While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems — problems that don’t get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they don’t really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust — and, as I said that’s the death of a relationship.
4. You don’t listen
Listening — really listening — is hard. It’s normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesn’t even know exactly what they are. If you can’t listen that way, at least to the person you love, there’s a problem.
5. You spend like a single person
This was a hard lesson for me to learn — until it broke up a 7-year relationship. When you’re single, you can buy whatever you want, whenever you want, with little regard for the future. It’s not necessarily wise, but you’re the only one who has to pay the consequences. When you are with someone in a long-term relationship, that is no longer a possibility. Your partner — and your children, if there are or will be any — will have to bear the brunt of your spending, so you’d better get in the habit of taking care of household necessities first and then, if there’s anything left over, of discussing with your partner the best way to use it.
This is an increasing problem these days, because more and more people are opting to keep their finances separate, even when they’re married. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement in and of itself, but it demands more communication and involvement between the partners, not less. If you’re spending money as if it was your money and nobody else has a right to tell you what to do with it, your relationship is doomed.
6. You’re afraid of breaking up
Nobody in a truly happy partnership is afraid of breaking up. If you are, that’s a big warning sign that something’s wrong. But often, what’s wrong is the fear itself. Not only does it betray a lack of trust, but it shows a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem — you’re afraid that there’s no good reason for someone to want to be with you, and that sooner or later your partner will “wise up” and take off. So you pour more energy into keeping up the appearance of a happy relationships than you do into building yourself up as a person. Quite frankly, this isn’t going to be very satisfying for you, and it also isn’t going to be very satisfying for your partner.
7. You’re dependent
There’s a thin line between companionship and support and dependency. If you depend on your partner — that is, if you absolutely cannot live without her or him — you’ve crossed that line. The pressure is now on your partner to fill whatever’s missing in you — a pressure s/he will learn to resent. If you expect your partner to bring everything while you bring nothing to your relationship — and I’m talking finances as well as emotional support, here — you’re in trouble. (Note: I’m not saying that you need to contribute equally to household finances — what I’m saying is that if you’re not contributing to the household budget, and you’re not contributing anywhere else, things are out of whack and that’s never good.)
8. You expect happiness
A sign of a bad relationship is that one or both partners expect either to make the other happy or for their partner to make them happy. This is not only an unrealistic expectation to lay on yourself or on them — nobody can “make” you happy, except you — but it’s an unrealistic expectation to lay on your relationship. Relationships aren’t only about being happy, and there’s lots of times when you won’t and even shouldn’t be. Being able to rely on someone even when you’re upset, miserable, depressed, or grieving is a lot more important than being happy all the time. If you expect your partner to make you happy — or worse, you’re frustrated because you aren’t able to make your partner happy — your relationship isn’t going to fare well when it hits a rough spot.
9. You never fight
A good argument is essential, every now and then. In part, arguing helps bring out the little stuff before it becomes major, but also, fighting expresses anger which is a perfectly normal part of a human’s emotional make-up. Your relationship has to be strong enough to hold all of who you are, not just the sunny stuff.
One reason couples don’t fight is that they fear conflict — which reflects a lack of trust and a foundation of fear. That’s bad. Another reason couples avoid arguments is that they’ve learned that anger is unreasonable and unproductive. They’ve learned that arguing represents a breakdown rather than a natural part of a relationship’s development. While an argument isn’t pleasant, it can help both partners to articulate issues they may not have even known they had — and help keep them from simmering until you cross a line you can’t come back from.
10. You expect it to be easy/you expect it to be hard
There are two deeply problematic attitudes about relationships I hear often. One is that a relationship should be easy, that if you really love each other and are meant to be together, it will work itself out. The other is that anything worth having is going to be hard — and that therefore if it’s hard, it must be worth having.
The outcome of both views is that you don’t work at your relationship. You don’t work because it’s supposed to be easy and therefore not need any work, or you don’t work because it’s supposed to be hard and it wouldn’t be hard if you worked at it. In both cases, you quickly get burnt out — either because the problems you’re ignoring really don’t go away just because you think they should. or because the problems you’re cultivating are a constant drag on your energy. A relationship that’s too much work might be suffering from one of the attitudes above, but a relationship that doesn’t seem to need any work isn’t any better.
Your choices
There isn’t any one answer to any of the problems above. There are choices though: you can either seek out an answer, something that addresses why you are hurting your relationship, or you can resign yourself to the failure of your relationship (and maybe the next one, and the next one, and…). Failure doesn’t always mean you break up — many people aren’t that lucky. But people can live quite unhappily in failed relationships for years and even decades because they’re afraid they won’t find anything better, or worse, they’re afraid they deserve it. Don’t you be one of them — if you suffer from any of these problems, figure out how to fix it, whether that means therapy, a solo mountain retreat, or just talking to your partner and committing yourselves to change.
My Meaningfull 22nd Birthday
it is so hard to believe tat at last i can celebrate my birthday with my love one exactly on my birthday.actually i was just dreaming tat i can blow my 22nd candle in front of him n make a wish.but who knows daddy gv me permission to go to kl until v need to catch up the train.
i never expect hubby can bought me a gold necklace for me as birthday present.it was so shining n suit my neck with ht length of the necklace.we've been to the goldsmith for 3 times for survey until they recognize which1 we've selected.
day before my birthday,hubby bought a piece of choc n vanilla tiramisu cake to celebrate my birthday.i tot the icing can tahan without putting inside fridge but thn when it was the time to blow the candle,the icing was melting....gosh~!tis is the worst n ugliest cake i ever had in my life...but it was so sweet cuz i can celebrate it wif hubby...so nice....so sweet....so touching till feel like crying but thn i just keep on tahan until go to bed to "release" quietly...
on the other hand,hubby ge mummy treat me a chicken drumstick just for me n the only one for my birthday.we r having such happy lunch n i'm so glad tat hubby ge mummy so sek me to buy the drumstick for me only but not for mr.lai joo non nor herself either...hehe....yeah~i'm the queen!
dear,bb here wanna say thank you so much because let bb have such a great birthday celebration even it is not a big party or having candle light dinner.but it is just awesome n so great tat bb can hear hubby sing 'happy birthday' song to bb n blew the candle in front of hubby..bb just love it n love the shining the most~thankq ddear....bb love u so so much!!
i never expect hubby can bought me a gold necklace for me as birthday present.it was so shining n suit my neck with ht length of the necklace.we've been to the goldsmith for 3 times for survey until they recognize which1 we've selected.
day before my birthday,hubby bought a piece of choc n vanilla tiramisu cake to celebrate my birthday.i tot the icing can tahan without putting inside fridge but thn when it was the time to blow the candle,the icing was melting....gosh~!tis is the worst n ugliest cake i ever had in my life...but it was so sweet cuz i can celebrate it wif hubby...so nice....so sweet....so touching till feel like crying but thn i just keep on tahan until go to bed to "release" quietly...
on the other hand,hubby ge mummy treat me a chicken drumstick just for me n the only one for my birthday.we r having such happy lunch n i'm so glad tat hubby ge mummy so sek me to buy the drumstick for me only but not for mr.lai joo non nor herself either...hehe....yeah~i'm the queen!
dear,bb here wanna say thank you so much because let bb have such a great birthday celebration even it is not a big party or having candle light dinner.but it is just awesome n so great tat bb can hear hubby sing 'happy birthday' song to bb n blew the candle in front of hubby..bb just love it n love the shining the most~thankq ddear....bb love u so so much!!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Another dates
few more days,it will be my birthday..my hubby do celebrate birthday with me but i think it is just once...tat time he treat me to eat salmon steak at bumbu bali but thn it is not on actual date..
before tis i've plan to go to kl n meet wif my dear n celebrate my birthday wif him since i'm not yet been called for duty as long as i got permission from my big boss daddy.but few days before v have an argument which i throw out my unsatisfied n unhappy problem to mr.lai. it makes our relationship become cool n cold even i never get angry with him.but i try to think positively where i promise him after tis i wont think back any unhappy conversation or bad things tat had happened between us.yes,it is hard but worth for me n my hubby.few days later things had turn to be good n much better where i feel proud to have mr.lai as my boyfriend because he is very gentleman n have an independent minded.
after getting permission from daddy,my hubby book tix for me n i'm so excited to meet my dear.tis time is diff bcoz i realize tat i do really love him n couldn't lose him in my life.he is my sugar in my life which contribute energy for me to work n let's my life be so sweet with his sweet sweet words.there is how "sugar sugar" song is so popular during 80-s.
the arguement thn v have grew me up.it let me learn how to be patient n how good to have positive minded.i really wanna thanks God to calm my heart n thinking n guide me in better way to go on with my life.
before tis i've plan to go to kl n meet wif my dear n celebrate my birthday wif him since i'm not yet been called for duty as long as i got permission from my big boss daddy.but few days before v have an argument which i throw out my unsatisfied n unhappy problem to mr.lai. it makes our relationship become cool n cold even i never get angry with him.but i try to think positively where i promise him after tis i wont think back any unhappy conversation or bad things tat had happened between us.yes,it is hard but worth for me n my hubby.few days later things had turn to be good n much better where i feel proud to have mr.lai as my boyfriend because he is very gentleman n have an independent minded.
after getting permission from daddy,my hubby book tix for me n i'm so excited to meet my dear.tis time is diff bcoz i realize tat i do really love him n couldn't lose him in my life.he is my sugar in my life which contribute energy for me to work n let's my life be so sweet with his sweet sweet words.there is how "sugar sugar" song is so popular during 80-s.
the arguement thn v have grew me up.it let me learn how to be patient n how good to have positive minded.i really wanna thanks God to calm my heart n thinking n guide me in better way to go on with my life.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Am I Doing The Right Thing?
last nite was a bad nite...i dunno how come i can say out all my "old" problems to my hubby n yet the problem is bout us.ppl say better thn telling ur problem rather thn keep it or else it will turn out like volcano once it explode thn everything in ur surrounding will get hurt.i know the statement but so true but my problem is too sensitive i can say cuz it is about sex.
from the 1st,it starts with kidding n let go my "geram-ness" to my hubby. but thn soon it turn to spit out all my problem i've been hiding from him.which my problem really make me feel bad n so sad.
after telling him my probs,i dunno whether i'm doing the rite or wrong by telling him tis sensitive issue?i feel guilty for hurting him but thn if i keep longer how suppose he to know wat i'm thinking bout him n wat probs i'm facing through all the 3 years?
from my action,i really feel bad n i can feel tat my hubby is not in the mood aso. i dunno how to make the condition better.mayb i hv to be patient n keep on talking n dun think back the unhappy matters.but thn i know i cant...i really dunno wat is in his mind...i dunno how he feel bout me after telling him all tis......n i dun hv anybody to share my probs with...n i know by writing tis blog aso couldn't help me to find the resolution....feel like having a loud n big cry but i dun wan to do cuz it is worst.but my heart do feel very sour since i wake up n everytime thinking of hubbby......
bb apologized if bb hv hurt hubby..bb just wan hubby to know tat bb love hubby deeply n madly..tat's all
from the 1st,it starts with kidding n let go my "geram-ness" to my hubby. but thn soon it turn to spit out all my problem i've been hiding from him.which my problem really make me feel bad n so sad.
after telling him my probs,i dunno whether i'm doing the rite or wrong by telling him tis sensitive issue?i feel guilty for hurting him but thn if i keep longer how suppose he to know wat i'm thinking bout him n wat probs i'm facing through all the 3 years?
from my action,i really feel bad n i can feel tat my hubby is not in the mood aso. i dunno how to make the condition better.mayb i hv to be patient n keep on talking n dun think back the unhappy matters.but thn i know i cant...i really dunno wat is in his mind...i dunno how he feel bout me after telling him all tis......n i dun hv anybody to share my probs with...n i know by writing tis blog aso couldn't help me to find the resolution....feel like having a loud n big cry but i dun wan to do cuz it is worst.but my heart do feel very sour since i wake up n everytime thinking of hubbby......
bb apologized if bb hv hurt hubby..bb just wan hubby to know tat bb love hubby deeply n madly..tat's all
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